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0 After a long time waiting and sitting in my wishlist, I finally get to review Priest Simulator: Vampire Show! Developed by a Polish studio called Asmodev this game has been in early access for a long time. And now, now I get to play the full release. We’ll play as a vampire turned priest in this mockumental action game. The Steam page says the dub will leave me in stitches, which has set my expectations even higher.
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I write hymns, not tragedies
Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is out now on Steam for £16.75. If you’re not looking to fork out some money just yet, they do also have a Priest Simulator: Heavy Duty, so why not give it a try?
Gameplay
The story of Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is told through a mockumentary style. It begins with our main character Orlok, The Vampire who looks like Joe Exotic from the Tiger King. After winning a fight against a baron of hell, then attempting to escape, Orlok and his girlfriend end up in (I assume) the mortal plane. This is where the game’s story kinda becomes a bit messy, honestly. After an odd and weird exchange between Orlok and Torpedo. We randomly are tricked into being a priest and now must find and take back our vampiric curse (Orlok’s Powers). This as you can imagine, then leads to even more chaos.
Since your powers are stripped from you (kinda) we end up using a two different gloves. One red and the other blue. With each one having getting a couple weapons for them. Some options are a Hammer, Pitchfork, Telekinesis Gauntlet, and Crucifix. You’re able to upgrade them with a collectable called Black Metal. One of the better upgrades is for the Hammer, which gives it a charge attack to slam an explosive nail into an enemy.
I have a confession to make
Renovating the Church is one major way to increase the Christianism (in game faith). To do so, all you need is some resources from smashing up junk and money. Cash is mainly earned by fighting Shantanists and taking confessionals. There aren’t really many ways to get money aside these and some side quests. The side guests are mainly saved for the game’s collectibles (and there are a good few).
The Church has a little diorama in the upper areas for you to interact with. Parts of it will change green to show exactly what has been renovated. So far, no renovations apart from the confession boxes have served a purpose. Taking confession starts a mini-game were you select the right bible passage to the sin spoken. Doing so correctly awards more money.
Performing an Exorcism
One of the biggest things to draw to Priest Simulator: Vampire Show was of course: exorcisms. There are only a few in the game and after the story related one, you can attempt them at any time. They do become more challenging as well. To perform the exorcism, I had to finish several tasks before my health bar ran out. The tasks usually include flipping crosses to be the right way up, destroying demonic statues and putting holy statues in their places.
The objectives themselves aren’t hard, however, getting around the house is. Obstacles will block your path in the way of things like piles of trash, or doors that don’t open. These were frustrating as it wasted precious time and lead to me accidentally breaking them more than once. Worst of all, every time I started my equipped gloves would switch. Every time without fail.
Graphics & Audio
The design choices in Priest Simulator: Vampire Show are… unique. The characters in the game look like wooden mannequin, which has lead me to wonder if this it was an intentional design choice or a happy accident. With an exception of the Pastor, who looks like an off-brand Barney the Dinosaur character designed by Playtime Co.
Laced with plenty of weirdness and swearing, the dialogue is also very random and unserious, similar to the Postal series. Voice acting throughout is also all kinds of wacky, with many odd, goofy and scratchy tones (with Orlok themselves sounding in desperate need of some lozenges and milk).
Environmentally, I have to say that the game looks okay. It may not be knock-your-socks-off, but it’s a pretty far cry from the extremely bland and simplistic graphics I see all too often in most simulator games. While not the most sharp or crisp, textures are fairly detailed, and lighting and shine are decent looking. I like the whole design of the Church, but more after you renovate it a bit.
Final Thoughts
The gameplay itself is okay and does its job at entertaining you with various weapons. I renovated the church rather quickly, which is a little disappointing, because I wish there was more to do with it besides confessionals. The exorcisms are fun unless attempting to beat Parson’s time, mainly because I’d get caught on the smallest thing. And my currently equipped gloves would keep switching out, making me lose time. I never fully understood the story, apart from Olok wanting his powers back and to get home to his Batoom. The story was just weird and a mess.
Priest Simulator: Vampire Show primarily focuses on the dry humour, rather than making the gameplay better. Which is ultimately it’s downfall. Personally, I am just not a fan of this type of comedy. Maybe it is funnier in Polish, but not so much in English.
Now, I’m giving Priest Simulator the Thumb Culture Silver Award simply for the fact that the game runs fine, and the gameplay is somewhat decent.
Disclaimer: A code was received in order to write this review.
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